FORT CAVAZOS, Texas — The U.S. Army has officially certified its first group of trained equestrians, an achievement military officials described as an important step toward improving the service’s horse care capabilities and which immediately raised uncomfortable questions for the 1st Cavalry Division.
Chief among them: What, exactly, have you people been doing?
The questions began shortly after the Army announced the completion of its first formal equestrian training program, creating soldiers specifically trained to work with and care for military horses.
Within hours, senior Army leaders reportedly became aware that an entire division had spent decades wearing cowboy hats, earning spurs, referring to itself as “Cavalry,” and maintaining a literal mounted horse detachment without apparently being the Army’s certified horse people.
“We were surprised,” said Col. Stephen Mallory, an Army personnel official familiar with the program. “Not that the Army needed trained equestrians. That made sense. What surprised us was learning we apparently needed to create them.”
Mallory paused.
“We thought we already had, like, 20,000 of those in Texas.”
The 1st Cavalry Division, headquartered at Fort Cavazos, traces its history to 1921 and prominently features a horse head on its shoulder insignia. Its soldiers routinely wear cavalry Stetsons, participate in spur rides and enthusiastically explain the difference between “Cavalry” and “Calvary” to anyone unfortunate enough to make the mistake.
None of these activities, Army officials confirmed, necessarily involves knowing anything about horses.
“That’s a common misconception,” explained Maj. Tyler “Tex” Richardson, a cavalry officer who has worn a Stetson continuously since 2009.
“The Stetson represents tradition. The spurs represent achievement. The horse represents our history.”
Asked whether he could saddle a horse, Richardson stared silently at a reporter for approximately six seconds.
“I can call for fire.”
The Army’s newly trained equestrians undergo instruction in horsemanship, horse health, feeding, grooming, equipment and stable management—skills that officials say will help standardize care across the service.
The announcement reportedly caused considerable confusion inside the 1st Cavalry Division, where several staff officers initially believed “Army Equestrian” was simply another name for Cavalry Scout.
A subsequent emergency briefing clarified that Cavalry Scouts conduct reconnaissance operations using armored vehicles and other modern equipment, while equestrians work with actual horses.
According to soldiers present, this revelation was not well received.
“So the new guys get horses?” asked Staff Sgt. Brandon Keller, a cavalry scout with 11 years of service.
“Yes.”
“And I get a Bradley?”
“Yes.”
“Does their horse work?”
“Usually.”
Keller reportedly nodded slowly before asking to see an Army career counselor.
The announcement has also prompted the Army to review other potentially misleading military terminology.
Officials are reportedly examining why infantry soldiers do not routinely fight infants, why artillerymen rarely practice art, and why approximately 94% of military intelligence PowerPoint slides contain neither military intelligence nor intelligence.
Army officials stressed that the new equestrian program does not diminish the traditions of mounted cavalry units or the important role horses continue to play in ceremonial and historical programs.
The 1st Cavalry Division agreed.
“Our traditions remain unchanged,” the division said in a statement. “The Cavalry Stetson, spurs and horse remain enduring symbols of the Cavalry spirit and our proud history of mounted warfare.”
The statement was accompanied by a photograph of six cavalry officers standing beside a horse.
Army officials later confirmed the horse belonged to the new equestrian program.
At press time, the horse had reportedly completed more formal cavalry training than four of the officers standing next to it.
Discover more from No Joe No Go
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
