Sergeant Major Orders Sun to Police Call Its Own Light

Command Sergeant Major Roy Escobar has issued a lot of corrections in twenty-nine years. On Wednesday, at a 0600 formation in the Mojave, he issued one to the sun.

The sun, per Escobar, had been “leaving its light everywhere” — on the vehicles, on the sand, in his eyes, across an area of operations roughly the size of Rhode Island — and at no point had it been tasked to clean any of it up.

“I don’t care who put it there,” Escobar told the formation, gesturing at the sky. “I care that it’s still there. Get on line.”

He then ordered the sun to police call its own light.

For a moment nobody moved, until Private First Class Devon Hart took a knee and began, uncertainly, to pick at the sand, working off the theory that doing something was safer than doing nothing — a theory that has kept the enlisted ranks alive for two hundred and fifty years.

“I wasn’t going to be the one standing there when the Sergeant Major was talking about light,” Hart said. “I don’t know what he saw, but I knew I wasn’t going to be part of it.”

The sun did not police call its light. As of press time it continues to rise on schedule, in direct defiance of a lawful order — a fact Escobar has documented.

“Everybody wants to talk about the sun like it’s untouchable,” he said. “Nobody’s untouchable. I’ve corrected colonels.”

He was asked whether the sun fell under his authority. “Everything on my formation falls under my authority, and the sun showed up to my formation,” he said. This was, technically, true.

A counseling statement has been initiated, though it cannot be delivered. The battalion has formed a working group to determine who signs for the sun. The working group meets outdoors, which several members have noted is part of the problem.

The sun sets tonight at 1947. Escobar considers this a partial victory.